I wonder why, I was the first in my family, not just immediate but altogether and extended, to have known You.
I wonder, did my life encourage them? And led them to you?
Why, I was almost given up for adoption but did not in the end despite the odds? (not that its a problem)
Why, I wanted to be a boy when I was in primary school? (At 12 years I bet 10 bux with my mom, coz that was a big amount to me; that I would never get a boyfriend and will never get married *cover face cover face*
I was always the odd one out.
Not too long ago, like Mel, I used to think I'd also be a millionaire marking books for my mom. One student's books were equivalent to one class wan okay! But I never did become one coz just couldn't take the details and pains of marking karangan. It was then that I realize why some students, well esp the good students la, were teacher's pets. Teaching them and seeing their eagerness and thirst for knowledge and marking their work blesses you so much more in the end, when I thought I was the one there to impart (yours truly used to teach Maths, unlikely as it sounds. And yes of all subjects!)
Its odd I feel it has all just begun when the truth is I'll be graduating next year. Next year OMG!! I certainly don't feel like I'm turning 22 this year, and Dorene can testify to that. Even SHE doesn't see me as a 22 year old!!
I had a conversation with myself :
You mean you might be working soon?! After next year?
Maybe. If I don't do the BAR/CLP/CBE. If I do it will be another year give and take.
Still. That's so soon!
I know! You don't have to rub it in! Sheesh.
You OLD!!!!
Sheeets NO like I said, ITS JUST STARTING OK!
I only had less than 5 yars of schooling life which I enjoyed leh can't I study somemore before I work my ass of the rest of my life?
Then go study lah who's stopping you! Get masters and phd if you can
Talk so easy la you.
Ya la since you so em kam yin with working!
Faints.
And my friend,
I hope you get better soon. I'm worried and will be praying for you.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Because You Looked Pretty. Heh.
Its funny how I can abandon my mobile phone and be glued to the comp screen when I'm given access to internet, and I think it scared him lol. In a funny way :
I want the laptop!
Don't la =(
Hehe coz I won't get off it leh...
Yah lor...
If there's one thing you'll lose me to its internet.
What!! NO!!!
ROFL.
I've had time to think, and think of the stuff that He's given me so generously in my life. People whom He's placed in my life of which without them and all their love and lil gifts, and without some of them forcing me to eat when things are so bad that I just can't bring myself to, I would be nothing. Literally.
As I was reading the Bible this struck me in my recent attempt to let go.
That judgement without mercy will befall upon those who did not show mercy.
Coz I was on the phone with a friend. And I was frustrated for her, of the rubbish and nonsense that she's had to deal with. Its so hard for her to live normally and I finally got so frustrated I was actually telling her to step up and tell that person to stop being so bitchy and degrade herself further. I was so sick of what I heard.
Mercy, Jolene. Mercy.
I thank God His Word came timely, that verse and His teachings on having a right perspective of your past. Unforgiveness is something I shamefully admit, I struggle with. That verse placed within me a healthy fear of His judgement, much as He is a God of grace and truth and love, He also is, a judge. We will all have to account everything to Him one day. The good and bad.
Dear Jesus, may this fear You've placed within me keep me from evil, from anger and bitterness in my heart, for even I do not want to know what will happen if it grips me. You knew me even before I was formed in my mother's womb, and for that I praise and thank You.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not some flaming female who PMSes at everything =) Just stuff which are starkingly and glaringly obvious which needs to be done, when its obvious you need to back up your loved one, or help and not sit aside looking pretty, and top of it all, see all the effort you and your friends have put in into something, go down the drain and you wouldn't lift a finger simply because you have decided to walk out of it when you're supposed to be in it together till the end...
Then. It pisses me off.
I want the laptop!
Don't la =(
Hehe coz I won't get off it leh...
Yah lor...
If there's one thing you'll lose me to its internet.
What!! NO!!!
ROFL.
I've had time to think, and think of the stuff that He's given me so generously in my life. People whom He's placed in my life of which without them and all their love and lil gifts, and without some of them forcing me to eat when things are so bad that I just can't bring myself to, I would be nothing. Literally.
As I was reading the Bible this struck me in my recent attempt to let go.
That judgement without mercy will befall upon those who did not show mercy.
Coz I was on the phone with a friend. And I was frustrated for her, of the rubbish and nonsense that she's had to deal with. Its so hard for her to live normally and I finally got so frustrated I was actually telling her to step up and tell that person to stop being so bitchy and degrade herself further. I was so sick of what I heard.
Mercy, Jolene. Mercy.
I thank God His Word came timely, that verse and His teachings on having a right perspective of your past. Unforgiveness is something I shamefully admit, I struggle with. That verse placed within me a healthy fear of His judgement, much as He is a God of grace and truth and love, He also is, a judge. We will all have to account everything to Him one day. The good and bad.
Dear Jesus, may this fear You've placed within me keep me from evil, from anger and bitterness in my heart, for even I do not want to know what will happen if it grips me. You knew me even before I was formed in my mother's womb, and for that I praise and thank You.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not some flaming female who PMSes at everything =) Just stuff which are starkingly and glaringly obvious which needs to be done, when its obvious you need to back up your loved one, or help and not sit aside looking pretty, and top of it all, see all the effort you and your friends have put in into something, go down the drain and you wouldn't lift a finger simply because you have decided to walk out of it when you're supposed to be in it together till the end...
Then. It pisses me off.
I Lurve...!
Starbucks Chocolate Cream Chip Frappe.Hehe yes more choc syrup more more more!
Its sinfully fattening and burns a hole in my pocket if I drink it often enough.
The Chinese New Year
Has been good so far. Though its not here yet lah.
Where I am now has loud loud good singing which makes you wonder why in the world would anyone be so uptight when PHd holders travelling regionally and only get to come back like, once in a year who also happen to own several properties plus having to manage work while on holiday who are also, only in their 20s working in one of the fastest growing and rapidly changing and demanding industries in the world, can be happy eating dim sum. AND watch cartoon in their late 60s plus follow and download the serie faithfully lol.
KLians, relax. Its the holidays man. Life's too short. Too short I tell you.
Hey you ;) I have something for you when I return. You will like it hehe. Hopefully.
And on top of missing you very dearly, I hope you're having a good time too.
Am still in Butterworth at the moment, should be leaving for Relau tomorrow or maybe even today haha I so don't know! Meanwhile I shall diligently search and try to get tau sah piahs for all the people who have not had it before. Or had it before but want it again and again nonetheless.
I hope you all have a good season, though I know for some of you it may not make much difference hehe. Just enjoy whatever that comes.
Because I'm having a good time, I wish all of you an even better time.
I am, after all, the good mafia's sister.
Elder.
Sister.
Where I am now has loud loud good singing which makes you wonder why in the world would anyone be so uptight when PHd holders travelling regionally and only get to come back like, once in a year who also happen to own several properties plus having to manage work while on holiday who are also, only in their 20s working in one of the fastest growing and rapidly changing and demanding industries in the world, can be happy eating dim sum. AND watch cartoon in their late 60s plus follow and download the serie faithfully lol.
KLians, relax. Its the holidays man. Life's too short. Too short I tell you.
Hey you ;) I have something for you when I return. You will like it hehe. Hopefully.
And on top of missing you very dearly, I hope you're having a good time too.
Am still in Butterworth at the moment, should be leaving for Relau tomorrow or maybe even today haha I so don't know! Meanwhile I shall diligently search and try to get tau sah piahs for all the people who have not had it before. Or had it before but want it again and again nonetheless.
I hope you all have a good season, though I know for some of you it may not make much difference hehe. Just enjoy whatever that comes.
Because I'm having a good time, I wish all of you an even better time.
I am, after all, the good mafia's sister.
Elder.
Sister.
Two Things C
I have been in love with chocolate.
Chocolate.
And I mean chocolate in paste and liquid form, like choc drinks, both hot and cold, not chocolate as in chocolate bars.
And cheese cakeeeeeeee cheese cake!!
For the longest time AHHHHHHHH!!!!
Chocolate.
And I mean chocolate in paste and liquid form, like choc drinks, both hot and cold, not chocolate as in chocolate bars.
And cheese cakeeeeeeee cheese cake!!
For the longest time AHHHHHHHH!!!!
Heart of Gold
So there was someone.
Not too long ago whom I said to :
You're too good for this world. This world doesn't know how to appreciate someone like you. When I see you, I see God's splendour and the majesty of His work. I don't think you deserve to go through whatever you went through. Because I think its so bad that I really really think, that if everyone had a mindset like yours, gone through it the way you had and had your heart, oh that heart of gold! they can't even imagine the degree of hardship you went through - the world would truly, truly be a better place.
I can't say I've let go of what you did. But what I said...
At least in the you I knew, the you I wanted to know, the you I thought you were. Still stands true today.
Not too long ago whom I said to :
You're too good for this world. This world doesn't know how to appreciate someone like you. When I see you, I see God's splendour and the majesty of His work. I don't think you deserve to go through whatever you went through. Because I think its so bad that I really really think, that if everyone had a mindset like yours, gone through it the way you had and had your heart, oh that heart of gold! they can't even imagine the degree of hardship you went through - the world would truly, truly be a better place.
I can't say I've let go of what you did. But what I said...
At least in the you I knew, the you I wanted to know, the you I thought you were. Still stands true today.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
A Prayer
I have a friend. Who recently returned and whom I spoke to on the phone till 3.30am last night even though I have to wake up painfully early today.
She's changed for the better. And when she comes back (again) from somewhere else she's attempting to do something most of us dare to talk about but never to put in action.
She and I came a long way.
I'm happy for her not only because what she said encouraged me deeply, but because she's come a long way and we see, God's work in our lives - all of us. How we've all grown. We see his work. And its amazing.
I'm happy for her cause she's found her home.
Somewhere she can really be herself and let her potentials be fully and readily exploited for His glory. She's much easier to talk to now, and I dare say she's a wonderful person today.
To you who read this.
I, we, wanna let you know we love you and are proud of who you are and where you are now, doing what you're doing. Thank you for first investing your time in us, for the company to countless badminton tournaments when I was so darn nervous, walking with me, for coming to get me from school just because you knew I was down, for driving us, for making us laugh and being a good sport, for dissappearing to wherever you want and returning just as suddenly ;)
Our prayer is that you would continue this journey you have learnt to find so joyous, more and more fulfilling each day, that you would fall in love with our God again and again everyday of your life, so that at the end of this race, truly, He would be able to look at you and say "Well done, my good and faithful servant". We pray you would never forget you will always, always be welcome here among us, and at the same time know that you are free to go wherever He sends you. May you be a vessel He can so freely use, and in it you will find your destiny and purpose, a cause rewarding beyond everything else you've ever attempted.
She's changed for the better. And when she comes back (again) from somewhere else she's attempting to do something most of us dare to talk about but never to put in action.
She and I came a long way.
I'm happy for her not only because what she said encouraged me deeply, but because she's come a long way and we see, God's work in our lives - all of us. How we've all grown. We see his work. And its amazing.
I'm happy for her cause she's found her home.
Somewhere she can really be herself and let her potentials be fully and readily exploited for His glory. She's much easier to talk to now, and I dare say she's a wonderful person today.
To you who read this.
I, we, wanna let you know we love you and are proud of who you are and where you are now, doing what you're doing. Thank you for first investing your time in us, for the company to countless badminton tournaments when I was so darn nervous, walking with me, for coming to get me from school just because you knew I was down, for driving us, for making us laugh and being a good sport, for dissappearing to wherever you want and returning just as suddenly ;)
Our prayer is that you would continue this journey you have learnt to find so joyous, more and more fulfilling each day, that you would fall in love with our God again and again everyday of your life, so that at the end of this race, truly, He would be able to look at you and say "Well done, my good and faithful servant". We pray you would never forget you will always, always be welcome here among us, and at the same time know that you are free to go wherever He sends you. May you be a vessel He can so freely use, and in it you will find your destiny and purpose, a cause rewarding beyond everything else you've ever attempted.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Don't React
Do not react but instead respond.
What is the difference between reacting and responding? When you react, you feel and act without thinking. When you respond, you think first, suspend your automatic judgment and then you choose your emotions as well as your actions. People have a tendency to react to change by thinking the worst and imagining undesirable outcomes. “Life as I know is now over!”
So.
Its just mind over matter?
If I'm happy I sure wouldn't wanna filter my thoughts like this..!
I suppose this approach is when you're around strangers and unsure how to react therefore, you send out neutral reactions. Ops I mean responds, so as to not creatte unwanted impressions. Or in professional relationships.
Try
I saw two people the other day that made me laugh. ;)
One said
Joleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeene omg *runs from across the road and hugssssss* (and me grinning from afar)
I asked
Where you guys heading?
Friend : Home *points points opposite way*
Me : Eh then why come this side
Friend : There that bastard side no cab la!!!
ROFL.
Someone's making me laugh my head off as I type this lol lol lol.
On a different note.
I'm thankful I spoke to a friend that I haven't spoken to in a long while on Sunday.
I didn't know you were thought of that way too.
Wish you all the best on your application =)
One said
Joleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeene omg *runs from across the road and hugssssss* (and me grinning from afar)
I asked
Where you guys heading?
Friend : Home *points points opposite way*
Me : Eh then why come this side
Friend : There that bastard side no cab la!!!
ROFL.
Someone's making me laugh my head off as I type this lol lol lol.
On a different note.
I'm thankful I spoke to a friend that I haven't spoken to in a long while on Sunday.
I didn't know you were thought of that way too.
Wish you all the best on your application =)
Friday, January 9, 2009
You Play!
Lexicon is not an irony. Its not a pre - amp.
You!
GO find out what it means LAAAAAAAAA
i found it!
google search
u try
1st one
it simply means it has more hits.
the 2nd one!!!!
apparently the world doesnt think so
they dont have to. its a valid meaning.
okay im signing off.
LOL.
Dear readers, don't worry if you don't understand what these yappings are about!
You!
GO find out what it means LAAAAAAAAA
i found it!
google search
u try
1st one
it simply means it has more hits.
the 2nd one!!!!
apparently the world doesnt think so
they dont have to. its a valid meaning.
okay im signing off.
LOL.
Dear readers, don't worry if you don't understand what these yappings are about!
Monday, January 5, 2009
They Won't
I'm the kind of person who would be willing to eat a weird combination for breakfast like papaya and milo but will not touch rice for dinner, I don't like rice =(
Its terrible coz I always end up getting scolded by my mom when she's cooked and I refuse to eat.
I either have no appetite at all or when I do then I never seem to feel full. Two extreme ends.
My mom and I can fight (as in really, really badly) about toilet bowls and lotions and facial cleansers. I was thinking my god like that then we can even fight about forks and spoons also la.
I'm one of those bloggers who do not have internet at home. I almost closed it down in Dec, but someone told me not to! And it made me smile =)
There's something about the craziness in Mama Mia : the bonding between the mother and daughter that made the whole production so meaningful. I'm guessing they must've had so much fun filming it!
Some years ago I walked downstairs when I just woke up not knowing we had visitors. The uncle nodded at me and I smiled
Me : Morning uncle. Want anything to drink?
Uncle : Morning =) No thanks. I'm here to give my hamsters.
Me : Hamsters? Why? (I was thinking we already have 32. 32 individual hamsters and each of them got name wan okay! Of course me being me I dunno which is which... can't recognise em when they're the same colour, but Dorene can leh. I ended up suggesting names like ciku and kuci when we got a pair of male and female.)
Uncle : I'm moving. Can't bring them along leh.
Me : Oo... okay =) Thanks anyway
Then I went on minding my own business and had breakfast on the table.
My mom appeared and...
Mom : Nah here they are
Uncle : Thanks. Eh your maid not bad ah can speak so good english somemore know how to call me and can eat on your table like she's part of the family.
Mom : My maid?
Uncle : There! *points at me*
Mom : ROFL that's my eldest daughter!!!!
Uncle : Oh sorry sorry
A while after he left I took the cage of hamsters he left behind and released all of them into the jungle.
They will not think I'm the maid.
Its terrible coz I always end up getting scolded by my mom when she's cooked and I refuse to eat.
I either have no appetite at all or when I do then I never seem to feel full. Two extreme ends.
My mom and I can fight (as in really, really badly) about toilet bowls and lotions and facial cleansers. I was thinking my god like that then we can even fight about forks and spoons also la.
I'm one of those bloggers who do not have internet at home. I almost closed it down in Dec, but someone told me not to! And it made me smile =)
There's something about the craziness in Mama Mia : the bonding between the mother and daughter that made the whole production so meaningful. I'm guessing they must've had so much fun filming it!
Some years ago I walked downstairs when I just woke up not knowing we had visitors. The uncle nodded at me and I smiled
Me : Morning uncle. Want anything to drink?
Uncle : Morning =) No thanks. I'm here to give my hamsters.
Me : Hamsters? Why? (I was thinking we already have 32. 32 individual hamsters and each of them got name wan okay! Of course me being me I dunno which is which... can't recognise em when they're the same colour, but Dorene can leh. I ended up suggesting names like ciku and kuci when we got a pair of male and female.)
Uncle : I'm moving. Can't bring them along leh.
Me : Oo... okay =) Thanks anyway
Then I went on minding my own business and had breakfast on the table.
My mom appeared and...
Mom : Nah here they are
Uncle : Thanks. Eh your maid not bad ah can speak so good english somemore know how to call me and can eat on your table like she's part of the family.
Mom : My maid?
Uncle : There! *points at me*
Mom : ROFL that's my eldest daughter!!!!
Uncle : Oh sorry sorry
A while after he left I took the cage of hamsters he left behind and released all of them into the jungle.
They will not think I'm the maid.
There's Something Wrong With This Picture
Its not just a nice picture
It looks calm. Too calm. To a point it looks fake. But its real, raw and uneditted - as with all my other pictures. I took this myself.
Yet its the one thing I am hoping for in my life, but when I see a picture like this. When it comes knocking on my door : It doesn't ring the bells of serenity or peacefulness or contentment.
I actually feel agitated.
I think its just me being cynical.
Her First Day
Today I woke up painfully early to send Kyrene to school. It was her first day!!
I woke up excited for her heheheheeeeeeeeeeee!
She was good, no crying no sticking to me. She did well in class! Was observing if she could interpret instructions without the my help of interpreting to her, and she was fine!
The lil baby is going to start to have homeworkssssssssss, and her own pencil case and colour pencils and what notttt heheheheeeeeeeee
I had a headache when we returned, and helped coax another crying girl and the car got damaged so had to send it to the workshop, waited sometime wanting to fall asleep but couldn't... but all was good in the end. =D
Kyrene was great lerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr look at her!!!
Got name tag somemore heheheheeeee
Her school bag!
She went to the same kindergarden that Dorene and I did...!
I was the first to carry her when she was born - other than the nurses and doct la yah, first to feed her milk, first to stare and stare and stare at her while she was in the nursery together with the other babies. I still remembered how she looked. And now I'm the first to send her to school too!
Really, the way I swoon over her is like I'm the mom man.
I woke up excited for her heheheheeeeeeeeeeee!
She was good, no crying no sticking to me. She did well in class! Was observing if she could interpret instructions without the my help of interpreting to her, and she was fine!
The lil baby is going to start to have homeworkssssssssss, and her own pencil case and colour pencils and what notttt heheheheeeeeeeee
I had a headache when we returned, and helped coax another crying girl and the car got damaged so had to send it to the workshop, waited sometime wanting to fall asleep but couldn't... but all was good in the end. =D
Kyrene was great lerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr look at her!!!
Got name tag somemore heheheheeeee
Her school bag!
She went to the same kindergarden that Dorene and I did...!
I was the first to carry her when she was born - other than the nurses and doct la yah, first to feed her milk, first to stare and stare and stare at her while she was in the nursery together with the other babies. I still remembered how she looked. And now I'm the first to send her to school too!
Really, the way I swoon over her is like I'm the mom man.
All's Well
There will be times we do stuff that we know we shouldn’t do.
Then the other change was...
Like park where we know its not a parking. Then psycho ourselves into thinking there’s no yellow line whattt…who say cannot wor where where no sign also! And then secretly worried while you’re with your friends praying those blue – attired people with motorbikes will not happen to be around.
And then you see this :
Play stuff we know we’re not supposed to play
Then when it goes wrong you look emo like this
Why la why la!
Then it gets solved and you’re all happy again, actually ready for the next mistake to come along – though hopefully it won’t be a mistake; dreaming of the next fun thing you’re about to do.
Then there will be changes which you don’t expect :
This was in Sept 2008 where for the first time in my life, I felt I needed to pen down the stuff I need to do and where I need to be at what time. I used to be able to remember it all.
Then came Oct
Nov
Dec
It got fuller and fuller!
Jan 2009 was 3 quarter full by mid Dec.
I’m thinking of stopping work soon but don’t know when. Because of sudden and unexpected and. Unreasonable demands I’m thinking – again; whether I can afford to go on without work, or is there something I’m not seeing for me to think that way. I also wonder whether on the other hand, I can afford to keep working without compromising my studies. I’m second guessing my decision.Which I seldom do. I told myself no compromise on studies no matter what, but then something happened which made that conviction seem so bleak.
Then the other change was...
Re - packaged!!
We checked out the new church building and saw that it was coming up fast! I’m very happy =D
I need to live this year differently. And bring the things that used to (and still do) hurt me to an end in order to live this year with a true new beginning; not just parrot that phrase. I need to claim what’s rightly mine : joy.
The rest have gone on with their lives without even knowing how much what they did affected me for the past few years. It seems to me that it’s only me still holding on to it, as much as I’ve tried to let it go. It seems that it’s only my problem now – my initiatives with no proportionate responds; they don’t care. They’ve got other things to worry about, but so do I? I’m busy too but I still try; not that I’m perfect.
But they’re moving on. Its just me. Living in the past.
I realized that this. This is my daily cross.
Having to deal with you. Everytime I see you I want to run up to you and scream and shake you and say do you KNOW the damage you have done? But there you are going on happily, ignorantly too. I want to let you know so that you too, cannot sleep and eat for what you've said, just like what I went through. I want you to know and feel what I felt. And I want to slap you in the face for being so hypocritical and being able to toss our friendship aside, as though all the good times didn't matter to you. As though you completely forgotten about them, or that they didn't exist. But I can't do that. I don't want to care but I can't. I'm a fool for not being able to forgive, its all at my expense.
I couldn't.
You’ll never know nor will you ever understand it seems. I’ve fought it long enough, I’ve fought you long enough.
I’m tired. I really am.
Never again will I allow it to be in a way which, because of you, I’m not able to smile when I see my friends whom I love. They will get the best of me, cause they love me too.
I’m not sure why but to let go is like ripping my flesh apart alive. You make me feel like no matter what I do, I’ll never be good enough in your eyes. I’ll never be the person you wanted me to be. In front of you I always, always have to vindicate myself. But you’ll never know that either.
So let it be that way.
I won’t be doing it alone. Cause I know of a love so powerful that all these, pales in comparison to Him, and what He would do for me.
And all will be well. Cause He said so. So on Him will my eyes be set, and strength be drawn from.
Thank God for another year =)
Happy, happy new year everyone! Lets hit it this year.
Again!!!
You See
This was the Christmas after - math. Hehe.
And this; the after - effect :
And this; the after - effect :
This is a real phone.
Its numbers are anti clockwise so will drive you crazy when you dial.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
