Like park where we know its not a parking. Then psycho ourselves into thinking there’s no yellow line whattt…who say cannot wor where where no sign also! And then secretly worried while you’re with your friends praying those blue – attired people with motorbikes will not happen to be around.
And then you see this :
Play stuff we know we’re not supposed to play
Then when it goes wrong you look emo like this
Why la why la!
Then it gets solved and you’re all happy again, actually ready for the next mistake to come along – though hopefully it won’t be a mistake; dreaming of the next fun thing you’re about to do.
Then there will be changes which you don’t expect :
This was in Sept 2008 where for the first time in my life, I felt I needed to pen down the stuff I need to do and where I need to be at what time. I used to be able to remember it all.
Then came Oct
Nov
Dec
It got fuller and fuller!
Jan 2009 was 3 quarter full by mid Dec.
I’m thinking of stopping work soon but don’t know when. Because of sudden and unexpected and. Unreasonable demands I’m thinking – again; whether I can afford to go on without work, or is there something I’m not seeing for me to think that way. I also wonder whether on the other hand, I can afford to keep working without compromising my studies. I’m second guessing my decision.Which I seldom do. I told myself no compromise on studies no matter what, but then something happened which made that conviction seem so bleak.
Then the other change was...
Re - packaged!!
We checked out the new church building and saw that it was coming up fast! I’m very happy =D
I need to live this year differently. And bring the things that used to (and still do) hurt me to an end in order to live this year with a true new beginning; not just parrot that phrase. I need to claim what’s rightly mine : joy.
The rest have gone on with their lives without even knowing how much what they did affected me for the past few years. It seems to me that it’s only me still holding on to it, as much as I’ve tried to let it go. It seems that it’s only my problem now – my initiatives with no proportionate responds; they don’t care. They’ve got other things to worry about, but so do I? I’m busy too but I still try; not that I’m perfect.
But they’re moving on. Its just me. Living in the past.
I realized that this. This is my daily cross.
Having to deal with you. Everytime I see you I want to run up to you and scream and shake you and say do you KNOW the damage you have done? But there you are going on happily, ignorantly too. I want to let you know so that you too, cannot sleep and eat for what you've said, just like what I went through. I want you to know and feel what I felt. And I want to slap you in the face for being so hypocritical and being able to toss our friendship aside, as though all the good times didn't matter to you. As though you completely forgotten about them, or that they didn't exist. But I can't do that. I don't want to care but I can't. I'm a fool for not being able to forgive, its all at my expense.
I couldn't.
You’ll never know nor will you ever understand it seems. I’ve fought it long enough, I’ve fought you long enough.
I’m tired. I really am.
Never again will I allow it to be in a way which, because of you, I’m not able to smile when I see my friends whom I love. They will get the best of me, cause they love me too.
I’m not sure why but to let go is like ripping my flesh apart alive. You make me feel like no matter what I do, I’ll never be good enough in your eyes. I’ll never be the person you wanted me to be. In front of you I always, always have to vindicate myself. But you’ll never know that either.
So let it be that way.
I won’t be doing it alone. Cause I know of a love so powerful that all these, pales in comparison to Him, and what He would do for me.
And all will be well. Cause He said so. So on Him will my eyes be set, and strength be drawn from.
Thank God for another year =)
Happy, happy new year everyone! Lets hit it this year.
Again!!!
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